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Porn & Physical, Verbal Abuse

Discussions relating to Drug Laws

Porn & Physical, Verbal Abuse

Postby Uani » Tue Sep 27, 2016 3:31 am

My husb. & I have been married 40+ yrs, 2 daughters & 2 grandsons. Though its been rocky at times(never part of family life,just watch TV, smoke pot & drink heavily) Despite his being a loud, insensitive verbalizer, I became tolerant of this behavior towards me to keep peace, walked on eggshells for all this time. I'm 62, normal weight, great cook, home is very clean, extremely thrifty, have been a good mother & wife(many friends, both his & mine comment that he is very prickly & abrasive). I worked many years as director of a United Way agency, retired to watch grandkids while daughter worked. The last 8 yrs, they have moved & are old enough to take of themselves after school(college). Husband developed ED abt. 10 yrs. ago due to heart disease/obesity/alcoholism. I was patient & understanding 'til I discovered his porn addiction(I'm not a prude, we had an intense, active sex life, just the 2 of us until ED. We went to counseling, after a couple months, we were back to "normal" & I told him, one more time & we were done due to the pain & betrayal. He hit me once 20 yrs. ago & I didn't press charges but assured him if it happened again, that would end our marriage. Abt. a yr. ago, I developed a deep depression(my little sister died of an overdose, my mother died from cancer, my oldest daughter was going thru a divorce & my HepC was progressing to the point I required & still do, 12 hrs. sleep or more, plus extreme pain in the joints, etc, too much to list). My dr. put me on several anti-depressants but none seemed to work so he resorted to .05 Xanes 3X a day which helped a little. In Jan., I was so depressed, felt like a burden, was tired of pain, exhaustion & inability to do things I once was able & enjoyed doing. I took an overdose of Xanex, left a note with explicit instructions & how much I loved them all. He had me commited(rightfully so)& visited everyday crying & told me he couldn't live w/o me. It took many ups & downs but I began improving. By May I was progressing & seeing my couns. regularly. Hubby was supportive & kind. But I discovered the porn, naked pictures of his privates & listed himself as a widower. He owned visiting several sites, but denied all the many others. Counselor told him itmay take months before I trusted him & that he definitely was beyond th exploratory stage of porn. It is 6 wks. later & I have good days & some days I'm angry, other days I'm deeply depressed & obcessive abt. finding all the sites he's been to & if he has met any of these women. Afew days ago, he sexually assaulted me in bed, we had been cuddling when he decided to use his fingers to assault my privates deliberately hard & cruel, bit & squished my brests till it was very painful. Asked him to stop 5 times before he passed out on top of me. Last night, he slept on couch, I got up to use bathroom & he was sitting in his chair naked, attempting masturbation which was not part of what he agreed to at counselor's. We argued & he started to pack to leave. I lost my temper after he called me every nasty name a female genital could be called, told me I was an ugly sea hag. I lost me tempeer & threw his cellphone abt. 4 feet, no harm to phone, wrong of me. He then slapped my face/neck area, then shoved me hard into a door. Fell on concrete floor, saw stars & was semiconscious for a few minutes. I called 911 & he admitted it to police & went to jail last nite, no idea when he will be arraigned. Is this marriage worth trying to save or am I deluding myself?
Uani
 
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Jan 15, 2014 11:18 am

Porn & Physical, Verbal Abuse

Postby Geomar » Tue Sep 27, 2016 7:05 am

My husb. & I have been married 40+ yrs, 2 daughters & 2 grandsons. Though its been rocky at times(never part of family life,just watch TV, smoke pot & drink heavily) Despite his being a loud, insensitive verbalizer, I became tolerant of this behavior towards me to keep peace, walked on eggshells for all this time. I'm 62, normal weight, great cook, home is very clean, extremely thrifty, have been a good mother & wife(many friends, both his & mine comment that he is very prickly & abrasive). I worked many years as director of a United Way agency, retired to watch grandkids while daughter worked. The last 8 yrs, they have moved & are old enough to take of themselves after school(college). Husband developed ED abt. 10 yrs. ago due to heart disease/obesity/alcoholism. I was patient & understanding 'til I discovered his porn addiction(I'm not a prude, we had an intense, active sex life, just the 2 of us until ED. We went to counseling, after a couple months, we were back to "normal" & I told him, one more time & we were done due to the pain & betrayal. He hit me once 20 yrs. ago & I didn't press charges but assured him if it happened again, that would end our marriage. Abt. a yr. ago, I developed a deep depression(my little sister died of an overdose, my mother died from cancer, my oldest daughter was going thru a divorce & my HepC was progressing to the point I required & still do, 12 hrs. sleep or more, plus extreme pain in the joints, etc, too much to list). My dr. put me on several anti-depressants but none seemed to work so he resorted to .05 Xanes 3X a day which helped a little. In Jan., I was so depressed, felt like a burden, was tired of pain, exhaustion & inability to do things I once was able & enjoyed doing. I took an overdose of Xanex, left a note with explicit instructions & how much I loved them all. He had me commited(rightfully so)& visited everyday crying & told me he couldn't live w/o me. It took many ups & downs but I began improving. By May I was progressing & seeing my couns. regularly. Hubby was supportive & kind. But I discovered the porn, naked pictures of his privates & listed himself as a widower. He owned visiting several sites, but denied all the many others. Counselor told him itmay take months before I trusted him & that he definitely was beyond th exploratory stage of porn. It is 6 wks. later & I have good days & some days I'm angry, other days I'm deeply depressed & obcessive abt. finding all the sites he's been to & if he has met any of these women. Afew days ago, he sexually assaulted me in bed, we had been cuddling when he decided to use his fingers to assault my privates deliberately hard & cruel, bit & squished my brests till it was very painful. Asked him to stop 5 times before he passed out on top of me. Last night, he slept on couch, I got up to use bathroom & he was sitting in his chair naked, attempting masturbation which was not part of what he agreed to at counselor's. We argued & he started to pack to leave. I lost my temper after he called me every nasty name a female genital could be called, told me I was an ugly sea hag. I lost me tempeer & threw his cellphone abt. 4 feet, no harm to phone, wrong of me. He then slapped my face/neck area, then shoved me hard into a door. Fell on concrete floor, saw stars & was semiconscious for a few minutes. I called 911 & he admitted it to police & went to jail last nite, no idea when he will be arraigned. Is this marriage worth trying to save or am I deluding myself?
Geomar
 
Posts: 49
Joined: Sat Feb 01, 2014 8:39 am

Porn & Physical, Verbal Abuse

Postby Eanruig » Wed Sep 28, 2016 3:44 pm

If both of you want to save the marriage, you must both agree to get rid of anger. Set limits on this: no name-calling, no obscenities, no raising voices, no pointing fingers, no pounding fist, no throwing things, no threats of any kind.

Either one of you can say, "I do not want to talk to you now, and I do not want you to talk to me." If this is not done, permission to leave the room is accepted.

He must agree to no use of porn. If he says he will stop, ask him what will happen if he uses porn again, and agree that he will lose computer access for a defined length of time: e.g. one week to one month. If he refuses or fails to observe, then he agrees to join a support group for porn/sex addiction.
Eanruig
 
Posts: 47
Joined: Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:05 am


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