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Left Husband After Charge Of Assault-spit On Me And Verbally Abusive

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Left Husband After Charge Of Assault-spit On Me And Verbally Abusive

Postby Fitzsimons » Mon Mar 13, 2017 2:12 pm

Hi Kriss

My hubby and I got married in this past summer after I left him for the on-going issues. WE spoke, reconciled saw a counselor and then got married, alot of promises were made. He had jealously issues(we work at the same place), paranoia and always worried I didn't want him. Not the truth at all, I married him out of love and commitment. That should be enough proof of my love and faithfulness.

Then in the fall we had alot of issues crop up(blending of families etc)and we seemed to get into petty arguments(most of which stemmed from me wanting to communicate with him and address the issues. Things escalated after I had gone to visit my family(he has never met my family - didn't want to, never met my friends - had an excuse)

Before I left he kept see-sawing with "we're not compatible", "sex is boring -again my problem yet when I tried to initiate he didn't always respond, my daughter left our home as the fighting and sibling(step)made her unhappy. I took my daughter away to visit and when I got back, only after one day both him and his daughter ignored me, things became I wanted to fight(i didn't) and next thing I knew he spit in my face, I called the police. They charged him.

I left the home the next day. It was a small town and I had nobody to support me emotionally there. There was to be no contact. Eventually there was some and I failed and talked via computer. He is begging me to reconcile, he is going for counseling and then all of a sudden he wants to stop due to fear of getting caught and his last words are "its up to you if you want to change the order. however he wanted me to let him know periodically I'm ok until either a) the order is dropped or we are allowed to see each other.

I have two questions in one 1) is this a form of manipulation to see if I will drop the order so he can sway me back and can I believe him? I put great distance between us and part of my heart believes him and another part believes it will never change.

2) Everybody says that a man who does all this and spits in your face isn't worthy. He uses alot of excuses to justify namely communication and fear of being loved, however he had no fear in marrying me, he had no fear in talking to me to get me in his life yet, he falls back on this excuse. If he has no trust in himself and me and now I have no trust in his promises, will there ever be hope for a true relationship? My counselor says I am looking for permission to let this relationship go. Right now I feel it will go no where as I see there are too many damages and bridges to cross for this to be fixed. Part of me thinks we are both addicted to each other and at the same time, I think he actually wanted the relationship to die so he could move on(he keeps saying that before he stopped)

I think I know the answer yet I am hesitant to go forward and hesitant to explore if he is truly remorseful.


ANSWER: Hi Teri,

What you are describing are games that every abuser plays.  They behave badly, apologize, the victim forgives and the honeymoon period begins until the next time.

What didn't happen the first time is that you didn't give it enough time to see if the promises were going to be kept and the changes were actually going to take place.  To some extent you are doing the same thing now.  Abusers always try to talk their victims into dropping the order.  If this were something credible, he would be saying..."I understand why the order is in place, it needs to be there and I need to go work on my stuff.  I'm not safe for her until I get my issues resolved."  If you aren't hearing that you are not hearing him take responsibility for his actions and that is a huge red flag.

If the order is a no contact order, you are violating it by contacting him in any way even if you are responding to his contact.  He should be reported for violating the order and you should not contact him.  Don't play these games...you are sending mixed messages.  

If you are looking for permission to let this relationship go then I give it to you.  Getting out is the best way to deal with someone who does not take responsibility.  He is not doing anything to bring the kind of change to his life that needs to happen.  What he is doing is manipulating you.  Even going to counseling can be a manipulation if it is for the purpose of saying he's going rather than really working on his issues.

The lack of personal responsibility is screaming out here in what you are describing.  He's making you responsible to change the order, he's not obeying the law.  He doesn't want to pay the price for what he's done, he just wants you to drop the order and let him go free.  Does that sound like someone who is serious about changing?  

None of this is going to make good sense because its all about control and manipulation.  Your best bet is to walk away.  If he changes then he does, but once you are out of his life you will probably see him stop the counseling as well.  This is a very common pattern between abuser and victim and you are playing right along as well.

The question really is not whether he is truly remorseful, the question is whether you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this.  Change requires work and commitment, neither of which do you see in this scenario.  If you don't respect yourself enough to require men to treat you well and to walk away when they don't, then you will always be playing these games.  That really is no way to spend your life.

I wish you well with this situation and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

Thank you Kriss

I heard him take responsibility for the damage he caused, yet I also see that he still thinks I played a large role. Perhaps I also contributed tot he problem for "pressuring him" to talk about the issues. He did say this is my choice and he will do what it takes whether I am in his life or not. Which being an optimist sounds like he does want help and he does want to make amends. He said if I made the choice it doesn't mean that he will "see" me just talk or that I "have to go home yet or tell him where I am" as long as we can work on this together. I totally agree it is still sending mixed messages and I also know I am in the wrong for breaking contact as well. I think there is some remorse however as he said the damages are done and "he burnt the bridges" so it sounds like he needs to move forward and I dont need to cling on even though I am his wife. I gave him opportunity to see how his behaviours were affecting the entire family. I sought help to "change my behaviours" which I tried and they still didn't work. Not once could he explain how he was going to make amends beside counselling, he seems to think that he can now say he will meet my family and friends(whom want nothing to do with him) I am beginning to see this as an overall ploy to get the things he wouldn't have had before me(let's see, I sold my house and bought it as joint property - which prior to marriage would have been divided based on what was put in, now married 50/50..) he made no mention on that.it seems it was all about how this affects him even though he said he realizes the pain. You are right that i need to walk away. I did walk away I went halfway across the country, gave up my job to leave and avoid contact and we still found a way to talk.9so being able to talk is not the issue its the way we communicate and the lack of respect. I admit that I may have pressured him however in all the ways that a normal healthy relationship would do and question his doubts and ask for clarity. for him to keep avoiding should have been my answer all along. I gave him the final opportunity over a month ago to stop the accusations and he retorted "is that all it takes to get rid of you?" Since then it was non-stop. and that was also before my daughter left.

I guess I just will always wonder, if i didn't give him one more chance and he does truly love me..did I throw it all away or if I decide to get the restrictions lifted, am I just opening a can of worms when in the end, I know there is no trust on his side(fears that he keeps using as an excuse for him and fears that he keeps saying I have-yes we are all scared of people potentially leaving us - however if one keeps saying it out loud eventually it happens does it not?) Maybe sublimaly he kept saying that cause in fact that was what he wanted. Just weird you would marry someone if you didn't want them in your life. This is all confusing.

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Left Husband After Charge Of Assault-spit On Me And Verbally Abusive

Postby gustav » Wed Mar 15, 2017 7:55 pm

Hi Teri,

The thing about mental and emotional deficit is that it doesn't make sense.  There are no nice boxes that you can put the thought process in and understand it.  He is driven by fear and as you said, you often create what you believe.  

It may be confusing, but confusion is what keeps people in these types of relationship.  You try and try to make sense of something that makes no sense instead of just looking at the simple fact that you aren't being treated well. I'm glad to hear that you are walking away.  Keep working on your issues and believing that you are worth it.  That will keep you in a healthy place.

Good luck to you!
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Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 5:27 am

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