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I'm Afraid

Defamation Law Discussion Forum

I'm Afraid

Postby Roswalt » Sun Jul 20, 2014 4:26 am

Hi. I hope you can help me. I'll try to be brief for what is a very complicated situation. i am a 26 year old, single female. I am very family oriented and have brought up to be a good person. I was always taught to be kind, compassionate, and not hurt other peoples feelings. When I was 18 and in University, i met a guy, who i'll name Brad, purely by chance, on the internet. We have basically spent the last nine years together, sometimes long distance, sometimes he was here with me, living in our family home. My family is very close knit and they all fell in love with him- my parents, grandparents etc...during the time he was here(months at a time) he was unable to work(immigration laws - we would have to get married for him to get a work permit  and i really wasn't financially secure enough or perhaps ready to do that. i wanted to get married for the right reasons). So he did all the chores around the house, trying to be useful and even became a great cook, with my grandparents help. So basically I earned my degree, and worked full time, trying to save up for our future, by myself. Every time i would bring up his going back to the states to work, he would go, but be back soon because we really missed each other too much and he missed the family as well(he has no one back home).  he was lonely and it broke my heart so i'd give in and he'd come back. and so the cycle began and he stayed here longer and longer. i was happy, but after about 7 years, i began to get bitter that we would never have a life together, on our own. i told him how i felt, in perhaps a too nice way, many many times and he basically remained in denial, enjoying being a part of an extended family that loved him and cared about him. his life revolved around me and i started to feel suffocated. for the next 2 years, my feelings for him changed. i loved him, but more as a friend. i met someone at work and started seeing him secretly. when Brad went back to the states for a couple of months, i went on a holiday with my friend from work. i didnt tell anyone who i was going with, because i didn't know how. when i came back from my holiday, i called Brad and told him i needed some space and time. i told him i didn't think it was a good idea to come back for a while. i wanted to let him down in a humane way. my family had other ideas, not knowing what i had done, they told him to come back for an important family function. when i found out i was frantic.i told him not to come, but he wouldn't listen.  i wanted to continue seeing the other person, but knew that i would have to pretend for a while longer. the lies became more frequent. Brad found out i was sneaking around seeing someone else. all hell broke loose. while he was here i tried to explain that i was sorry and i was wrong for doing what i did. he was devastated. he started to be so attentive, loving and supportive, trying to win me back. he said he forgave me, even though he was angry, but i was just trying not to light his fuse. i knew that when he left again, i would probably never see him again because i didn't feel the same way as he did. i knew that my family and i were basically his life, and that he would not take a break-up in a normal, stable way. and so he went back and i continued to see my other friend, all the while talking to Brad on the phone almost every day, telling him i cared about him and that i just needed some time to sort out my head. about  3 weeks ago, he started to go up and down in his moods. every time i tried to tell him to not to wait and maybe find someone who would appreciate him, he would alternate between saying i had taken away his life and his future, to threatening to hurt the other guy. i neglected to mention that Brad had tried to commit suicide about 12 years ago, before i met him. alone and lonely after his longtime girlfriend(he's 39 years old) and her small child left him, he took the gun his dad left him and was going to kill himself(a friend stopped him). so now, every day, i get phone calls and emails from him either professing his love and how he'll wait for me or saying he's so angry at this guy for ruining his life(it's my fault, i tell him) that he wants to kill him. i don't know what to do. last night i basically told him that i wanted to be on my own for a while, without him calling or emailing me. i can't take the stress at work, and the constant questions about where i am, who i'm with etc..and when i verbalized how he made me feel, he would always bring up "what about me. what about how i feel? you went on vacation with another guy!" We were still together!" the funny thing is, i haven't felt like we've been a couple for 2 years. he doesn't trust me anymore. with good reason. i admit. i couldn't bring myself to say it was completely over because i care enough about him that i don't know how he'll react. so i tried to be tactful. it didn't work. in the middle of the night, he called my mom, sobbing(he's very close to her) and told her to tell everyone goodbye and that he loved them. he said he wouldn't call and harass me anymore. she thought he was going to take his own life.(i told my family the truth after he left, but they can't seem to detach themselves from someone they've grown to love so much). then today, the calls and text messages started again. "he loves me. he doesn't want to lose me. he'll wait for me...etc.." finally when i didn't answer one of his calls, he started to say he was going to send some "suggestive" photos of me to my boss," and "hurt the guy that stole his life". He's 3000 miles away, but he could be here in 5 hours. he says he has nothing to lose because he's lost everything and he's alone again. i don't know what to do. my family is at a loss because they thought we'd get married and have kids..etc..they try to calm him down on the phone and be supportive of me, but they really feel bad for him for what i did. i don't know what to do anymore.and i do care about him. he's been in my life for a long time. and when he's sad it breaks my heart and when he's angry it breaks my heart too, because it's my fault that he's become this way. i'm a good person. i try to make everyone happy. i try not to hurt people. but i waited for him to make things happen for a long time. and because of that, my feelings or him changed. maybe i was too young when we met, i don't know. i'm almost 27. i want to get on with my life. but i can't do that without trying to resolve this in some way. i think i'm having a nervous breakdown. please help.
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Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2014 10:30 am

I'm Afraid

Postby Zeev » Sat Jul 26, 2014 1:36 pm


First, I'm sorry but this is not my area of expertise.  I'll give you advice, for whatever it may be worth, if you take it as coming not from an authority but from just, say, a friend or neighbor.

1.  Tell your relatives that you have decided that Brad is too high-maintenance, immature, ingratiating, non-insightful, threatening, and potentially dangerous for you to have a future with him, and that you have broken off contact and wish them to do the same. 2.  Consult a lawyer about your options should Brad continue to threaten or make good on his threats.  You might have the lawyer send Brad a letter saying, for instance, that you have married a police officer and moved away, that you have documentation to the effect that he is threatening to harras you and that if he does so "I will have my colleague in your area contact the law-enforcement authorities and seek restrictive and punitive actions, as well as instituting legal action against you...."  The lawyer might be able to get him barred from entry to your country, or at least allude to so doing.  As for his sending photos, his mind is stuck generations back, when that would have meant anything.

Finally, I congratulate you on both your good nature and your good sense.  Better to get divorced before marriage than after.     

Hope that helps a bit.  Good luck with your new direction, and thanks for asking us.

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Joined: Thu Jan 30, 2014 4:30 am

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