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How Can You Start The Conversation If Your A Sub?

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How Can You Start The Conversation If Your A Sub?

Postby kenway » Sun Mar 12, 2017 8:57 pm

I have been married for eight years and we have a great sex life. When I met my future husband,  I was a virgin and inexperienced as well(no blow jobs, hand jobs, etc.) I have always fantasized about being submissive. In real life, I'm too prude to tell him what I want, in my head I'm always imagining being raped and tortured. The problem is that being submissive in bed makes it hard to talk in bed. If I have to ask to be spanked, is it really punishment? The only BDSM thing we have tried are handcuffs, and it never seems to work out. How can I get him to be as violent as I want?

Also, if we do get there, can we still make love other times? Will we cross some line and not get back to tenderness? He can be so gentle it makes me cry, I don't want to lose that either. Is this too much of a contradiction, should I just keep my fantasies in my head and not mess with a good thing?
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How Can You Start The Conversation If Your A Sub?

Postby Edmondo » Mon Mar 13, 2017 10:22 am


Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

First of all, I think that you and your husband can find a fantastic sense of fulfillment in the BDSM lifestyle.  However, I think you'll find that BDSM encompasses not one type of relationship, but many different ones.  And, to me, that's part of the allure of it.  You can basically make your relationship what you want it to be.

In the spectrum of BDSM lifestylers, you can find anything from a couple who simply enjoys a little kinky play in the bedroom, to those who crave a total Master/slave relationship(like my husband and I).  And anything in between.  Some people enjoy extreme S/m play, while others are not at all interested in that and want a service-oriented relationship.  Some people are more into casual play sessions, and never take their lifestyle out of the bedroom or the dungeon.  And others live the life 24/7/365.  Most like something somewhere in the middle of all these things.  

I suggest that you and your husband spend some time reading about the lifestyle -- together.  (I'll recommend some good websites later.)  Talk about what interests you about the lifestyle, as well as what turns you off.  Explore how you might include various elements into your existing relationship.  But, whatever you decide, start out slow.  Don't jump into a full-blown Master/slave relationship right away.  Buy a few sex toys, or start out with some light play activities or servitude, and then go from there.  I think you'll find that both of you will get a big kick out of the experimentation.  Take note of what you like, what you really like, and what you hate and never want to do again.  But also spend time thinking about WHY you like or don't like something.  What is it about yourself that draws you to this life?

Here are some good places to start your education:http://www.castlerealm.comhttp://www.leathernroses.comhttp://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Now, I'd like to address some specific points you mentioned in your letter.  You talked about your rape/torture fantasies.  Role-play is a big part of the BDSM lifestyle.  It's not at all unusual to find people pretending to be something different from what they are:  teacher/student, policeman/criminal suspect, Daddy/daughter, vampire/victim, and so on.  Rape fantasies are very common -- for example, you might pretend that you are at home alone, and a stranger(your husband) can break into the house and have his way with you.  This is a lot safer than a real rape, and can be exciting for both of you.  Then, when this carefully choreographed scenario is over, you can go back to your everyday life.

Spanking and punishment are two more common elements in BDSM.  Spanking may be done for pleasure(for everyone involved), or it can be done as a punishment for some transgression.  And then there are others who just pretend that one person has misbehaved, and must be punished.  This falls into the realm of role-play, as I talked about previously.  Again, this is something that you and your husband need to talk about, and agree upon.  Do you crave a set of rules that must be obeyed, with resulting consequences for disobedience?  Or do you only want the physical pleasure that comes from being spanked, and want to use the excuse of some fictional misdeed to start things off?  Or do you just want a good healthy spanking?  

Try doing a web search on "domestic discipline."  This is kind of a sub-genre of BDSM, or a lighter form of the lifestyle that many couples engage in.  I just finished reading a very good book by Jules Markham on the subject, and you might want to try to find that.  Basically, establishing this kind of a set-up can be very healthy for your relationship.  Both you and your husband can get a very strong sense of security from knowing that there are specific rules and boundaries that both of you must abide by.  And, just as a parent might show her love for a child by punishing him for his wrong deeds, a husband can show his wife that he loves her by being consistent and strong in enforcing his own rules.  She can learn to feel a strong sense of trust and love for her husband because he cares enough for her to want her to improve herself.  

Now, just because you might enjoy some kinky sex from time to time, that doesn't mean that you can't still enjoy some great "vanilla" sex as well.  My husband loves to use me with all sorts of implements of torture, followed by some great kinky sex.  (And I love it, too.)  But we also enjoy just curling up on the couch together and cuddling while we watch our favorite TV show.  Variety is the spice of life, as they say.  And, while it might seem a contradiction in terms, there are times when S/m play can be very tender.  Imagine being tied up with soft ropes or scarves, and having your husband lightly caress you all over your body, while not allowing you to have an orgasm.  Or lightly tickling the bottoms of your feet with a feather(or his breath,) while commanding you not to move.  Or holding you in his arms after an intense flogging, telling you how proud he is of you and how much he loves you.  Again, use your imagination.

As to how to introduce this to your husband, do it outside of the bedroom.  Don't wait until you're both lying in bed to ask him to tie you up.  Try leaving a book where he can find it, or leave a website open on your computer, and see if he gets the hint.  Or, while you're eating dinner, try telling him about an interesting article that you read earlier that day.  If he expresses an interest, then introduce some of the websites that I gave you earlier.  Or share this letter with him.  Some night, before he comes to bed, try placing a few toys around the bedroom or beside the bed and see if he notices.  Maybe a collar and leash, a feather, some soft scarves and a blindfold, a ping-pong paddle, or a dildo.  Or, some night when he is watching television, put on your sexiest nightie, along with a collar and leash, and kneel before him while you offer him the other end of the leash.  I think he'll get the hint.  Or, try renting a movie called "The Secretary"(with James Spader), and watch it together.

Good luck to both of you.  Take your time, go slow, and make sure this is something you both want.  I think that if you let your husband know how much you want this, he'll want to try some things out just to make you happy.  And then he'll end up being hooked on his own.  If you have any more questions, feel free to contact me again.


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