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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Family Law Discussion Forum

Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby aviya » Sat Oct 29, 2011 6:22 pm

My FDIL and my son are getting married in 8 months and in the time my FH and I have known her-almost 2 years, she has never invited us to any of her family events or taken an interest in our family or even attending our family events, really. FDIL did not invite us to her birthday party last week, the opening of her mother's art gallery, which was last month or to the huge party attended by half the town when her brother came home from Irag 5 months ago. I have asked my son about this and he says FDIL and her family are not inclusive types and that FDIL finds my wanting to be included in her family events or anything to do with her family, "weird" , "too much" and "uncomfortable." Are my husband and I wrong to want inclusion? In my day, I was always happy to include my in-laws, to me, they were my family and since I loved my husband, one of the ways I showed him respect was to include his family. What can I do? I am afraid I will always be shut out!
aviya
 
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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby jarel » Sat Oct 29, 2011 6:30 pm

You have every right to be upset. I find it strange that she thinks you are weird for wanting included in your sons future life. If they have children will she not include u in special moments with your grandchildren? Something doesn't seem right with her reasoning.

EDIT- Maybe her family is mafia o.O
jarel
 
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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby jaren12 » Sat Oct 29, 2011 6:33 pm

There has to be more to this, and it's probably something to do with your relationship with your son. For one thing, you mention your FH. Does this mean future husband? Then you refer to a husband, so that part is confusing. If he's not your son's biodad, does your son accept him?

Also, when your son says that you make your future inlaws uncomfortable wanting to be included in everything....how the heck do they even know you want to be included? This isn't a small detail, because I hope you're not pressuring them for invites. That would make me uncomfortable, as well.

So it's hard to say. On the face of it, they "should" be inviting you, but there could be lots of reasons they aren't. I'm also guessing your husband is/was close to his family, and he wanted them included in gatherings. I hate to say it, but some of this could be coming from your son. If not, then he's letting himself be over-run, which is almost as bad.
jaren12
 
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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby veto » Sat Oct 29, 2011 6:39 pm

I find it a little odd not to be included in big, public events. But, I am also from a somewhat isolationist family. We get to spend very little time together and jealously guard the time we do have. If I were having a dinner with my siblings and my parents I would never think to invite my in-laws. It just...wouldn't happen. Obviously, on Thanksgiving and stuff it does, but it's not like I would think to ask them over for game night or something.

I have been married for nearly 3 years now and my husband and I have been together for about 5 years and I'm just now really becoming comfortable with my in-laws. They are lovely people who I adore and while they might be family, they aren't my FAMILY if you know what I mean.

I'm sort of not sure why your son isn't extending those invitations. She probably just doesn't think about it, and part of his job is to remind her. Give her time to come around. It'll take more than 2 years for everyone to find a balance.
veto
 
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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby jerrick » Sat Oct 29, 2011 6:48 pm

It's not that unusual for couples to sort of keep their families separate. Sometimes they just don't see that everyone would get along or one family has very strong views about who is isn't "family" (which sounds like what is going on here) and sometimes one or the other member of the couple does not like the other's family.
I suspect this has as much to do with what her family members think of "outsiders" as anything else. She's probably trying to avoid inevitable snarkiness from her family members about your family.
In my family we alternate who spends which holidays with which family and pretty much keep everyone apart. The few "all inclusive" events we've tried did not go well, with one family group monopolizing the conversations, dictating the timing and then being unendingly critical the next time we saw them separately. We just hate the drama.
Hopefully she doesn't do what my brother's wife does by pretty much refusing to have anything at all with our family unless she calls every shot.
Family gets more complicated with every new marriage.
jerrick
 
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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby jabarl » Sat Oct 29, 2011 6:52 pm

I think your son should talk to her and that you should be included in some things but not all. If she was a very thoughtful and loving person she would want the two families to be on good friendly terms. This is putting a wedge between you before they are even married. If I were your son, I would think twice about marrying a person who wants to keep everything seperate. After all, this could bring on bigger problems once they are married and especially when grandchildren come.
get things worked out before the wedding. It is not much fun to have all these troubles in your life. An un- friendly daughter in law can cause all sorts of problems. Believe me, I know.
jabarl
 
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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby byron92 » Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:00 pm

Well, it is odd for you to want to join in her families events. People just don't do that now a days. Feel free to invite her to your families. But I would ask your son what's going to happen on holidays and such after they have kids. Are they all going to come visit? Will you be invited to spend holidays and the childrens birthdays with them?
But there's not really much you can do other then to write your son out of the will. It's been my experience that as soon as thats even mentioned, kids smarten up.
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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby nickson » Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:12 pm

while I do find it a bit odd that you weren't invited to something that half the town was invited to it's really not that odd that she didn't invite you to her birthday party. Eight months is still awhile off and she may not have felt comfortable with you guys there. It's HER birthday. If you wanted to do something for her birthday why don't you take her out for dinner or something? Her mothers art gallery opening was not her event to invite you to, it was her mothers and her mother really has no obligation to invite her daughters future in-laws, especially if she barely even knows them.

Your not wrong at all to want inclusion but you are wrong to think that everyones family should be the same as yours. Just because YOU wanted your in-laws to be included doesn't mean everyone will be that way, and just because she doesn't want you at her family events doesn't mean it's something personal. Just because YOU see inclusion as a sign of respect doesn't mean everyone does. Your son already explained to you that they are not the inclusive types. Time to respect her and her family and accept the fact that you will not be involved in your sons wifes family. If you're worried about the grandkids then leave your son out of it, stop using him as a middle man. YOU go and talk to HER about it.
nickson
 
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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby ricki » Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:15 pm

The dynamics of every family group are different....while you may view an extended family of your DIL's relatives as part of YOUR family...they may NOT view it the same way. And while you should get an invite whenever your DIL hosts a family gathering SOME of the time, you can NOT expect an invite for every family gathering she may host and certainly should NEVER EXPECT an invite if one of HER relatives hosts a family gathering for themselves.

If her family gave her the BD party, THEY and NOT her were in charge of the guest list...& if they chose to keep it to their family circle, then there is nothing you can do.

...and when she becomes your DIL, only SHE will be your in-law....her entire family does NOT become your family or in-laws. While inviting you to an occasional gathering they may host would be nice, you are not entitled to an invite.

You may have been one big happy family with your husband's family...your daughter in law's family don;t roll that way and this is something you can not force...and must accept.
ricki
 
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Future daughter-in-law does not invite us to any family events. Am I wrong to be upset?

Postby drystan » Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:18 pm

My family and my husband family do not invite each other to things
They do live in another state

My brother in law had a birthday party for his 30th party and his wife did not invite my husband his brother
Her family was invited, but his parents and brother was not
That is worst, my MIL is still upset

No, not to family events, but to her birthday party yes
Her not coming to yours, yes

But some people are just like that
Look at my brother in law wife, she does not invite his family to his birthday party

I included my sister in laws as well as his brother in laws to our wedding
Not everyone does that
I like my sister in law parents better than her

Sometimes I do not think we would be invited to their children birthday, if her mother did not make her invite his family

I would suggest, maybe inviting her family to dinner and get to know each other
I know my MIL and my sister in law mother talk all the time, and have a better relationship that the girl does with my MIL
My mom died when I was a child, so my dad lives out of state
So, he does not get invited to things, that is different
Then again, I invite my in laws to things without being told
drystan
 
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