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Boyfriends Daughter Hates Me And Refuses To See Her Father

Family Law Discussion Forum

Boyfriends Daughter Hates Me And Refuses To See Her Father

Postby Osker » Mon Mar 13, 2017 1:21 pm

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. Our relationship is very good. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and he has 3 from a previous marriage. My kids are fine. His son is 17 and fine. He has 2 daughters with his ex wife. The had really bad divorce,fought over everything in front of their kids, and continue to fight. They have been divorced for 2 years now. They have never talked to their daughters about the divorce. I met him the day he signed his papers. He was still living with his ex until she could buy a house and move out..neither could afford to live seperately..messy financials. I met his children and everyone got along wonderfully for a while. We moved in together and everything continued to go well..He sees his girls as much as their mother will allow, there were a lot of rules she implemented and that we followed to keep the peace.  After about 5 months there was a argument and misunderstanding between me and his 15 year old daughter. I have not seen her or her 8 year old sister since. For 5 months she made our lives horrible..would not talk to her dad and refused to see him. he begged, pleaded, and was miserable..eventually he got an apartment and moved out to work on repairing his relationship with everyone, this was june. Since then his daughter sees him and everyone is in counseling. With his counselors help he has been repairing his relationship with her and working towards me and her building relationship.She refuses to speak or see me. Her dad talks about me and things we do in front of her and we always ask her to do things with us. Her dad has recently started bringing his 8 year old back to visit me and my 12 year old on the weekends he has his girls. he asks his 15 girl to come and when she refuses with no explanation he leaves her on her own. His counselor suggested this. I recently wrote her a letter asking her to sit with me and try to repair our relationship. I showed her dad the letter for his approval before sending. She stormed home crying, locked herself in her room at her moms and now refuses once again to speak to her dad..now his 8 year old is doing the same thing..How do I help this man get thru this? he is devastated again. What advice can i give him? How do I keep our family together? How do i keep my sanity? HELP  
Osker
 
Posts: 37
Joined: Sat Jan 18, 2014 7:37 am

Boyfriends Daughter Hates Me And Refuses To See Her Father

Postby yigol47 » Tue Mar 14, 2017 4:02 am

Oh, Michaela, my dear, my heart is with you.  This is very common in StepLand & it's not pretty.  It's not fair to you or to your hubby, jointly or separately.

Please know first & foremost that you did nothing wrong.  This is not in any way your fault.  This is a trouble that the children are having, & your commitment to kindness & successful resolution of this painful difficulty shines through every word in your query.  You've done well, you've not given up, & you can do this thing.  Yes, you can.  I believe in you.

Since your main concern is supporting your honey*man in a truly effective way, I'll give you the steps that will best help you to anchor your relationship with one another in the face of this heartbreaking, stressful difficulty & see you both through to a good & workable solution.

Step #1:  What this looks like to me is PAS, plain & simple.  So, your first step is to read the following & to explore the sites listed, so that you can determine the intensity of the PAS that your hubby is suffering right now.  

PAS is "Parental Alienation Syndrome", & it occurs from the moment a divorce is decided upon as the very best plan of action between two partners who wish to dissolve their legally recognized marriage until loooooong after the divorce is final.  

PAS happens when one parent directly & indirectly creates an environment that villainizes the other parent, so that the children of these two people perceive & treat the second parent as a diabolical, dangerous, unwanted influence in their lives.  

It is unconscionable & it is most often perpetrated by the biological mother against the biological father, particularly if he is the non-custodial parent or the less-custodial of equally custodial parents.  

Here are 2 excellent websites for you to explore & to then share with your darling honey*man when you are ready to do:

*  http://www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm

*  http://www.paskids.com/map.php

Step #2:  Your job, Michaela, is to be the Official StepLand Secretary in your patch of Paradise.  In other words, you must document, to the very best of your ability, all of this nonsense, in its entirety, in one secure place, be it a notebook or an electronic document file on your personal PC.  

Every communication from the children, from your hubby's X, from either of you, every action, every eccentric performance by the stepthings, every interaction must be logged.  If possible, insert copies, scans, or photocopies of all communications into your log in chronological order.  Please date, with an approximate or exact time, each entry.  

I realize that this is a great deal to ask of you, my dear, but it is logging that seems to do the most to hold all parties personally responsible for their actions, words, & choices.  Also, if there are other factors, such as brain illness, brain disorder, personality disorders, cognitive disorders, or behavioural disorders, adding to the havoc, a log will, over even a few short months, make that apparent to you & your hubby.

The point of the log is to report, in a "subject-verb", classical "behavioural science" manner, everything that's going on around you.  You needn't assess it or filter it, just log it.  This is effective & helpful if attorneys, counselors, or professional mediators need additional "backstory" on the situation to find the very best & healthiest solution for you & your hubby & the children, should your situation require involving these professionals at a later date.

Step #3:  This is going to be a tough one for you, my dear, but I do recommend in your situation that you disengage from the 2 girls for a period of time, if only to save yourself further pain & anxiety.  Your energy is being quite thoroughly drained by these angry, impulsive, misguided girls, & you need every ounce of focus & strength to support your hubby & to keep your relationship on track.

This is important, darling, more important than you know.  The first time 'round, these girls did not see a loving relationship between their mother & father.  The loving relationship between a husband & wife is one of the 2 greatest gifts that they can give to the children in their care, whether they are the bio-kids or "bonus" kids.  *wink*  

The other greatest gift is that of truly parenting children to have personal responsibility, personal ethics, compassion, respect for others, a recognition of the equality of all beings, & great boundary recognition.

I can see from your query that you & your hubby are more than able & willing to gift these girls with BOTH great gifts!  Let's stabilize you & your darling hubby first, & then we can add the girls back in, shall we?

To learn the basic mechanics of disengaging, do read this essay when you have a moment:  http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html  

Disengaging may sound harsh, but it is so important to set ~ or in your case ~ to reset the tone for the girls' presence in your home.  

Usually, I recommend disengaging for stepmommies who do too much for the children & thereby accidentally prevent their hubbies from truly, actively parenting their own bio-kids.  However, what's happening in your home is very, very similar to what happened at one point in our home, & I can assure you that disengaging was the very best move I made, next to logging everything.

To feel great about disengaging & to foster the strong & abiding sense of partnership that you & your hubby already have together, you might like to show him the essay on disengaging & explain that you are doing this to reset the energy lines between you two & the girls, so that things can begin again after a bit in a better way.

Step #4:  For your darling hubby, perhaps some *free* & faboo legal advice from Those Who Know might be just the best thing ever, so that he knows there are peaceful, loving ways & means to circumvent the upheaval that's impulsing his daughters to practice less-than-beautiful behaviours at the moment & to put things to rights once again, so that he can enjoy being a dad & you two can enjoy being parents to these girls together.

To this end, I invite you to share with your hubby the following websites, so that he can explore them, perhaps even with you, & find out that he does have support, there is hope, & there are compassionate men out there trained in law who can help him ~ & help you two as a loving couple ~ to finally enjoy a healthy parenting experience with kids that are calmed & settled & understand that you are parenting them lovingly.

Here are the sites:

*  http://www.cordellcordell.com/

*  http://www.dadsdivorce.com/

Step #5:  You may wish, as painful as it is, to not have the girls over for a bit.  This actually worked well in our case, & it has worked well for hundreds of stepmommies & their loving hubbies.

Now, I admit that this is a rather radical approach, but it is effective & it does usually bring the family back together faster than the common alternative of "put up, shut up, & tear your hair out".  *wink*  Just read it through & consider it.  It may be for you; then again, it may not.  Only you & your hubby can make that decision together.  I want you to have every option available, so that you feel you have options & you feel that you are creating your own peace & happiness in StepLand.    

The key is to take just the tiniest of breaks.  Your hubby can still see the girls off-site for a series of "Daddy & Me Dates" that do not require an outlay of money or time, goods, privileges, or services that would exceed what you offer them when they come to visit in your home.  These "Daddy & Me Dates" can be spread out through the week or the weekend & should equal the amount of time that you & your hubby already have consistently enjoyed with the children.  

You & your hubby can go on "Daughters & Us Dates" together, too!  This is a way for you & the girls to connect in a neutral, public, or semi-public place, viewing art, watching a sporting event, looking at holiday lights, building a snowman in the park, enjoying yummy cocoa in a local cafe, or just walking in nature together with a simple picnic to enjoy in a lovely spot.

After a bit, you might like to invite the girls to your home for a brunch, a luncheon, or a dinner.  Not too long, just a few hours.  I trust you two, I just do not trust the girls to be able to behave & to actively enjoy more time than that in your home, rather than reacting in ugly ways.  These girls are suffering from some deeply held misperceptions, & the way to get 'round those & to help them to see what is, rather than what they think is, is simply to ease them back into the swing of things in your home.

If the little invitations go fairly well & there's no broken furniture or a body count, invite them out for a day with dinner at your home, followed by viewing a film together in your home, & send them back to their mother's home for sleeping.  That way, you've got all the coziness of being together, enjoying leisurely "family" activities, & they sleep elsewhere.  This, more than anything, will whet their appetites to have overnights again in your home.  They will want to behave to have this privilege.

This is a profound experience for everyone, but I think the deepest event is the correction of misperceptions among the children.  The children begin to see that being with you, spending time with you, having your attention, enjoying your cooking, & enjoying time in your home as part of your family are all gifts, each is a privilege.  Once they see these things as gifts & see you as individuals who want to give them these things, along with the understanding that they respect you two as a couple, recognize & honour your boundaries, & behave beautifully, you will have very pleasant times ahead.

This process can take anywhere from 3 weeks to 9 months, with the average breakpoint being 6 months.

Step #6:  Since you've gone through so much & done so much to make this all work, my dear, you could use a little support, I do believe.  *wink*  I'm offering you a variety of stepmommy sites that you can explore to find your perfect fit.  The Internet is a big place, & not everyone is as committed to love, peace, happiness, health, harmony, & joy as you are, but I am confident that you will find your perfect tribe of sisters-in-step somewhere in this mix:

*  http://www.steptalk.org/

*  http://www.steptogether.org/index.html

*  http://www.comamas.com/

*  http://www.secondwivesclub.com/

*  http://www.stepsforstepmothers.com/contact.html

*  http://stepmothersmilk.com/

*  http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Am-A-Stepmother/5183

*  http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/step/

*  http://www.cafemom.com/search/index.php?keyword=stepparent

Now, the StepTogether forum & the GardenWeb forum invite couples, so this might be a lovely way for you & your hubby to do something together & learn so much more happily & safely about your situation!  Do consider it, Michaela.

For your hubby, there are some men's forums for men who have children from a previous, now-dissolved liaison, & they span the globe & every taste.  My favourites so far for the men with whom I have worked personally are the StepTogether forum & the DadsDivorce forum.

Step #7:  R-e-l-a-x together!  No matter what's going on in your lives, this is crucial, Michaela.  You & your darling honey*man must, must, must make time for one "at home" date night & one "going out" date night every week.  Now, it needn't be an actual night, & it needn't be a big deal, either.  This is time for you two to connect happily together as a couple, to rediscover all the things you love about one another, & to really celebrate how smart & lucky you two were to find each other!  *wink*  Our "at home" date nights range from making obscenely luscious breakfasts together, then taking forever to eat them, as we chat about books, the arts, philosophy, & funny things that make us giggle to curling up with freshly popped Parmesan buttered popcorn for an "On Demand" film that strikes our fancy.  Our "going out" dates go from a midday ice cream indulgence run to a cozy, candlelit dinner in one of our favourite ethnic haunts.  Yours will be different from everyone else's, but they'll suit you lovebirds to a "T"!  *wink*  Please, please, please commit to this practice.  You two are obviously very deeply in love, & we all would surely like to keep it that way!  Great love stories don't come along just any ol' day, my dear, & if you have one, keep writing loving chapters & inspire the rest of the world.

Well, my dear, I do hope that these options will help you to support your darling hubby & to effectively present healing options to your little family in a way that will garner their enthusiastic support individually & as a group.

I wish you every success, Michaela, & I have every confidence that you will find the way & make this healing happen.  I admire your "stick-to-it-iveness" & your deep love & compassion for everyone in the mix.  Bless your great & golden heart, my dear!

Love & light...Deborah
yigol47
 
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2013 10:01 am


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